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HOW TO GET ALONG AT THE OFFICE If it rings, put it on hold; If it clanks, call the repairman; If it whistles, ignore it; If it's a friend, take a break; If it's a boss, look busy; If it talks, take notes; If it's hand written, type it; If it's typed, copy it; If it's copied, file it; If it's Friday, forget it!

The following are Data Processing Definitions": Assumed Decimal Point - Located two positions to the right of a programmers current salary in estimating his own worth. Bit - The Increment by which programmers slowly go mod. Chaining A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output. Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer must forget In order to be successful. Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples. Counter - A device over which martinis are served. Disassembler - An unattended five year old child. Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output. External Storage - A wastebasket. Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion. Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the restroom but cannot leave the computer. Floating Point The absolute limit before floating control Is lost. Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the rest...

OUR OS WHO ART IN CORE IBM BE THY NAME THY SYSTEM COME THY CRASHES DONE ON DISK AS IT IS IN MEMORY GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY I/O AND FORGIVE US OUR SYNTAX ERRORS. AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE ERRED BEFORE US AND LEAD US NOT INTO FORTRAN BUT DELIVER US FROM COBOL FOR YOURS IS THE MAINFRAME, AND THE SYSTEM AND THE PROGRAM FOREVER. LOGOFF

THEORETICAL RULES BROCK GOLF 3) Kach player shall furnish his own paint for play--tomalley ane club and two 2) Play on a course must be approved by the ower of the fole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4) For most effective play the club should heve a fim shaft. Course oners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5) Courne owners renerve the right to restrict club length to avoid danage to the hole. 6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes is necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Pallure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7) It in considered bad form to begin playing the hole Immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to vell--formed burgers. By players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are current...

When you begin to take life too seriously, remember this . few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said all of you sons ot bitches who want or get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your use in the train cause we're leaving." The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, son comes out of the bedroom and resume playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the rother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding witH us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We ...

Procrastinator's Creed Some of us hold these truths to be self-evident... 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. 3. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I obey the law of...

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "...

DON'T FORGET -- While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must keep incessant surveillance against such effusive loquacious voluble verbosity that the calculated objective of communication becomes ensconced in obscurity O.K. ?

What's all the HOOPLA about? Programming jargon, you neophyte Wayne V. Herbert is a systems software consultant based in Houston Object-oriented programming is confus ing Even the definition of object-oriented ed programming is open to many differ ent interpretations. This sad state of af fairs reduces productivity and hinders the spread of this exciting new technology. All is not lost, though. With the an announcement of HOOPLA (Hopelessly Obtuse Object Programming Language with Attachments), the ultimate in ob object-oriented development environments is available to even the most skeptical programmer. HOOPLA not only em bodies all the paradigms and concepts of today's object -oriented languages, pro- Vides many extensions and techniques to further obfuscate the art and science of computer programming. The list of HOOPLAS benefits is near ly endless, but here are a few that will keep trainers busy for years to come. Metamorphism. Expanding on the concept of polymorphism, HOOPL...

Lighting Charcoal Grills or Why Engineers are they way they are... Our subject today is lighting charcoal grillo. One of our favorito charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Gobel (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer, Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner. If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened next The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble starte...

Laws of the Land MURPHY's LAW ("If anything can go wrong it will") is the inspiration for a new book by Paul Dickson, The Official Rules at Home. Here is a sample of laws, rules, observations and maxims collected by Dickson: Ballweg's Discovery: Whenever there is a flat surface, someone will find something to put on it. Rabies Rule of the Bedroom: The spouse who snores louder always falls asleep first. Dickson's Gardening Discovery: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. Dorothy's Dilemma: The heavier the package and the farther you must carry it, the more your nose itches. Todd's Rule of Bar Code Malfunction: The bar code in the checkout line won't work on items you're embarrassed to be buying. Rosenbaum's Rule: The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Parent's Law: By the...

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL by Peggy Althoff 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you mouth were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 5. Again proceed as in 1. except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 7. If y...

Stuff you just need to know The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." On a Canadian two-dollar bilL, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are members of the peach family. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. There are only four words in the English language that end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapiki maungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zeal...

The Car Talk show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers, have a feature called the 'Puzzler, and their most recent "Puzzler was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer submitted by a listener: Dear Click and Clack, Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore, and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as ...

Bureaucracies and old standards never die. The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet. 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used, Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their le...

You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo. Here's the latest from the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles. "batmobiling" putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile, as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling") "epilepsy" afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech "betamaxed" when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in "Microsoft betamax Apple right out ofthe market" "blowing your buffer" losing your train of thought "cobweb" a Www site that never changes "elvis year" the peak year of popularity, as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's elvis year" "generica" fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions, as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was...

THE WISDOM OF OUR LEADERS.. . "WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP. -Clinton aide George Stephanopoulos speaking on Larry King Live "THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER -Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention "IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL" -Forestry expert Ronald Reagan "TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery "IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE -Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo "THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET" -Republican presidential candida...