Pops

The purpose of Life is to find your gift. The meaning of Life is to give it back.

The following are Data Processing Definitions": Assumed Decimal Point - Located two positions to the right of a programmers current salary in estimating his own worth. Bit - The Increment by which programmers slowly go mod. Chaining A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output. Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer must forget In order to be successful. Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples. Counter - A device over which martinis are served. Disassembler - An unattended five year old child. Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output. External Storage - A wastebasket. Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion. Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the restroom but cannot leave the computer. Floating Point The absolute limit before floating control Is lost. Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the rest...

When you begin to take life too seriously, remember this . few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said all of you sons ot bitches who want or get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your use in the train cause we're leaving." The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, son comes out of the bedroom and resume playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the rother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding witH us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We ...

Procrastinator's Creed Some of us hold these truths to be self-evident... 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. 3. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I obey the law of...

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "...

Lighting Charcoal Grills or Why Engineers are they way they are... Our subject today is lighting charcoal grillo. One of our favorito charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Gobel (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer, Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner. If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened next The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble starte...

Laws of the Land MURPHY's LAW ("If anything can go wrong it will") is the inspiration for a new book by Paul Dickson, The Official Rules at Home. Here is a sample of laws, rules, observations and maxims collected by Dickson: Ballweg's Discovery: Whenever there is a flat surface, someone will find something to put on it. Rabies Rule of the Bedroom: The spouse who snores louder always falls asleep first. Dickson's Gardening Discovery: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. Dorothy's Dilemma: The heavier the package and the farther you must carry it, the more your nose itches. Todd's Rule of Bar Code Malfunction: The bar code in the checkout line won't work on items you're embarrassed to be buying. Rosenbaum's Rule: The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Parent's Law: By the...

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL by Peggy Althoff 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you mouth were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 5. Again proceed as in 1. except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 7. If y...