Apologies in advance...
Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, and it sank -
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Of two boll weevils in the South, one went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed in the cotton fields and never amounted to
much. The second one, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms run into each other. One says "Are you all right?" "No, I lost
an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positively"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in a hotel lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. Soon, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor always stopped for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The
bartender would always have the drink waiting at 5:03 PM One afternoon,
the bartender discovered that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts The doctor
came in, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!" "That's right", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book:
the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on
the man reading the book and devoured him. Why did the lion pick the
man reading the book? Because, even the king of the jungle knows
readers digest and writers cramp.
A man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.